know and live

Must I be carried to the skies
On flowery beds of ease,
While others fought to win the prize
And sailed through bloody seas?
—Watts

home...

is where you are. i miss the time when we will walk together, hand in hand. i miss the comforting hug you will give. i miss seeing the smile on your face. i miss all the time we will be together. i miss you. i love you. when will i go home to you? how long more do you want me here, for my love to you? i miss home.

i'm sorry. it is just sometimes sensing and knowing your omnipresence is not enough, i'm not perfect yet...

estranged, renewed

I received this e-card from a dear friend:

I've been missing, yes, i know. It's been almost 2 months since my last entry. Sometimes it makes me wonder as to how time seems to pass so fast. It seemed only yesterday that i was attending one of my favorite lectures. Yet today i woke up with an inexplicable feeling of estrangement. Time has changed, the semester holiday is over, new semester begins. I've changed.

The past 2 months seemed almost like an adventure in the dark. I had no idea what i was into. The many times i fell. Sometimes on hard solid ground, at times on mushy soft soil. The steps i took in the blind. Some have left me with blisters, and some scars for life. Too many times i stepped on blazingly hot ground. It felt almost like hell. My feet had no rest from the pain, but i had nowhere to turn to. I could not see. It was all pitch black. I was hopeless.

But he reached out and held me tight. His reassuring grip kept me from losing myself and falling to the scorching ground. He held me tight every time i was about to fall. He assured me my time is yet to come. He walked with me. I saw his feet scorched as he walked along my side, yet he did not let go. It was a painstaking quiet walk. But that was all i needed. With every step, my love for him grew so much deeper.

I'm not sure if i am out of the dark yet. Sometimes i can still feel the burning pain. But i know he will definitely always be there for me. The journey this far have definitely changed me. I am not who i was. I hope not, hope never will be again. Ever since, i've been in love with him. Loving him anew and still growing in it. Whenever i tell him "i love you" it now comes from my heart, no longer just words to please him.

At moments when i am void and incapacitated of feeling, he showed me there is so much more to love than just feelings. He poured out his love on me. I experienced it. He is true to his words. Love is indeed so much more. It is something indescribable, at best i can only say it is the piece to completeness.

And shortly after, he blessed me with a new love. A brother whom i love so much in light of this new understanding, who reciprocally love. Only then i experienced and truly understood love can only be at its best when reciprocated. The rest will come.

Let my love vow to him be renewed:

Father in heaven, i acknowledge my sinful self, my corrupted sinful nature. I acknowledge myself as a sinner, doomed for eternity without your saving grace. I confess my sins to you Father. All my sins Father, big and small, please forgive me. As i so too learn to forgive as You have forgiven me. I believe and trust in Your saving grace Father. I believe with all my heart in the sacrifice Your Son Jesus has made for us, for me. I invite Jesus to come into my heart Father. O Jesus, please fill me with Your presence. Let the throne of my heart be to You and You alone. Let it be Yours now and forever. I surrender my all to You Lord God Jesus. I willingly give myself to Your perfect love. Teach me to love You more and more everyday Jesus. I love You.
In Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

Thank you for holding me together Jesus, even at times when i think all hell will break loose on me. Thank you for keeping me strong in this journey to home, to you. I love you Jesus.