of past, of present

cleared off a lot of old files from my hard disk storage partition. spared me about another 2GB of space.

it reminded me of how much junk we can accumulate over time. well... they are not exactly junk. those files are mostly from the office where i once worked. looking back i realized how much time and energy i've put into these things, these works of mine. i tried so hard to play my role, trying to make the world a better place in the little ways i can. did they make a difference? i hope...

all seemed to eventually ate me up. so much of my life was given away, with full sincerity, with just hope, that it will make life better for someone else out there. why? i'm miserable, i'm in pain. i wish not others in my shoes and will do my best to prevent it. little care i had for myself. let me be worn out. let me be used up. sooner the better. after all, these are the only reasons i stayed. see, how little love, if none i've for myself.

let it all be done. just let me go. let me go home. i'm tired. Father...

toilet accident

fell down with full impact on my right arm this morning. upper right arm is presently immobile, shoulder down to elbow. the rest seems fine. aching badly though...

i'm obviously have not been in a clear mind, called up bro after to ask for help, forgot that he is not a local so dunno which doctor to go... gee... head been foggy for the past 2 weeks... i'll just wait for a few days, if it does not get better only see doctor.

on the positive side, i discovered i can still type. i just need to drag my right arm with the left and rest the palm on the keyboard. but having to drag it to the mouse.... such trouble just to switch between mouse and keyboard control...

well, since i can still code, back to work anyway, workaholic as i am...

reminder to self: when u r using bleach, things become slippery, so watch out!

ubuntu studio boot load hang

I attempted installation of Ubuntu Studio a few days ago after reading how it's meant more for multimedia developer like i am. Didn't turn out good... the system itself is good, just that it always hang at the load screen with the fancy Ubuntu Studio loading bar.

Turning off the quiet mode of the load screen i figured the error came about at "saving VESA state". There goes again my crappy S3 chipset graphic card. Funny there is no problem with this when i boot into recovery mode and opt for "resume normal boot". My best guess this has something to do with the fancy splash screen itself, something with it conflict with my fancy ancient 32MB graphic card. Solution? I have not figured a perfect one, so this is what i did:

Type the following command in terminal:

gksudo gedit /boot/grub/menu.lst

Scroll down and you will see your Grub boot option listed, something like this:

title Ubuntu 8.04, kernel 2.6.24-19-rt
root (hd0,2)
kernel /boot/vmlinuz-2.6.24-19-rt root=UUID=31776be7-f8c0-4849-b3b8-157ab157bc7a ro quiet splash
initrd /boot/initrd.img-2.6.24-19-rt
quiet

Just delete the following words: quiet, splash
and comment out the last line in the section by adding "#"

It will turn out like this:

title Ubuntu 8.04, kernel 2.6.24-19-rt
root (hd0,2)
kernel /boot/vmlinuz-2.6.24-19-rt root=UUID=31776be7-f8c0-4849-b3b8-157ab157bc7a ro
initrd /boot/initrd.img-2.6.24-19-rt
#quiet

The load for the selected (edited) Grub loader option will then be in verbose mode. No more fancy loading bar, but at least now it works!

deletion

deleted my friendster account

deleted my hi5 account

deactivated my facebook account

why? is started with this:
http://roncjl.blogspot.com/2007/12/letter-to-you.html


now can i delete myself?
wish it's that easy...

drift

the traveling between world and selves, that's what it's been for the past weeks. how i wonder if this will ever come to an end... the journey against the tide is so tiring...

Father, You are my anchor. On You i steadfastly hold, but hold me Father all the more lest i loose. Amen.

mememe

saw this at Do's:i wanted one, so presenting myself:

    

don't sue me Do! :p

know and live

Must I be carried to the skies
On flowery beds of ease,
While others fought to win the prize
And sailed through bloody seas?
—Watts

home...

is where you are. i miss the time when we will walk together, hand in hand. i miss the comforting hug you will give. i miss seeing the smile on your face. i miss all the time we will be together. i miss you. i love you. when will i go home to you? how long more do you want me here, for my love to you? i miss home.

i'm sorry. it is just sometimes sensing and knowing your omnipresence is not enough, i'm not perfect yet...

estranged, renewed

I received this e-card from a dear friend:

I've been missing, yes, i know. It's been almost 2 months since my last entry. Sometimes it makes me wonder as to how time seems to pass so fast. It seemed only yesterday that i was attending one of my favorite lectures. Yet today i woke up with an inexplicable feeling of estrangement. Time has changed, the semester holiday is over, new semester begins. I've changed.

The past 2 months seemed almost like an adventure in the dark. I had no idea what i was into. The many times i fell. Sometimes on hard solid ground, at times on mushy soft soil. The steps i took in the blind. Some have left me with blisters, and some scars for life. Too many times i stepped on blazingly hot ground. It felt almost like hell. My feet had no rest from the pain, but i had nowhere to turn to. I could not see. It was all pitch black. I was hopeless.

But he reached out and held me tight. His reassuring grip kept me from losing myself and falling to the scorching ground. He held me tight every time i was about to fall. He assured me my time is yet to come. He walked with me. I saw his feet scorched as he walked along my side, yet he did not let go. It was a painstaking quiet walk. But that was all i needed. With every step, my love for him grew so much deeper.

I'm not sure if i am out of the dark yet. Sometimes i can still feel the burning pain. But i know he will definitely always be there for me. The journey this far have definitely changed me. I am not who i was. I hope not, hope never will be again. Ever since, i've been in love with him. Loving him anew and still growing in it. Whenever i tell him "i love you" it now comes from my heart, no longer just words to please him.

At moments when i am void and incapacitated of feeling, he showed me there is so much more to love than just feelings. He poured out his love on me. I experienced it. He is true to his words. Love is indeed so much more. It is something indescribable, at best i can only say it is the piece to completeness.

And shortly after, he blessed me with a new love. A brother whom i love so much in light of this new understanding, who reciprocally love. Only then i experienced and truly understood love can only be at its best when reciprocated. The rest will come.

Let my love vow to him be renewed:

Father in heaven, i acknowledge my sinful self, my corrupted sinful nature. I acknowledge myself as a sinner, doomed for eternity without your saving grace. I confess my sins to you Father. All my sins Father, big and small, please forgive me. As i so too learn to forgive as You have forgiven me. I believe and trust in Your saving grace Father. I believe with all my heart in the sacrifice Your Son Jesus has made for us, for me. I invite Jesus to come into my heart Father. O Jesus, please fill me with Your presence. Let the throne of my heart be to You and You alone. Let it be Yours now and forever. I surrender my all to You Lord God Jesus. I willingly give myself to Your perfect love. Teach me to love You more and more everyday Jesus. I love You.
In Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

Thank you for holding me together Jesus, even at times when i think all hell will break loose on me. Thank you for keeping me strong in this journey to home, to you. I love you Jesus.

moments with You

it's one of those moments. i was just driving home after a supper with church friends. i'm aware my license has expired, but i told myself i'll drive in faith. it's been almost a week i've been in seclusion for a certain agony. it's easter and i missed these people, especially my brothers. it so happened there was a police check just across my home. the car in front of me was asked to pull aside. but when the police approached me, seeing my door glass was wound down he smiled and asked "pergi mana dik? (where are you going young man?);" i replied "balik rumah, i tinggal kat sana (going home, i live right there)," i said as i pointed across the road. he nodded at me and told me to just go ahead. thanking him and wishing him a good night, i drove ahead; breaking into little smile and giggles along the way.

it's just lovely Dad, these little moments when You show that You are indeed with me, it keeps me going. thank you Dad, i love You.

evil

must fight, must not lose...
Father, forgive me, i need You...

a broken's healing


You broke me to the pieces
and to the dust You pound me
what great pain it brings
Lord, to this heart of mine

but then i saw it, the tears
in Your eyes, Your hands
trembling, as You took upon me
once again for the many times

pieces by pieces, dust by dust
none amiss for great is Your love
together once again You put
to be shaped in Your love

o Lord how wrong i've been
to think i've been forsaken
for You never do
and never once willed so

for now i see what You brought me to
the plans You have to mould
to make me what i am meant to
a shape closer to Your heart

o Father, thank You for Your love
i pray Thy will be done
for now and ever
on earth as in heaven

in Jesus' name

amen

a broken's prayer


to the pieces You broke me Father
to the powders You pound me still
for what have i done wrong Lord Father
that You so sought me out with the steel

broken as i am, i come to You
and all i am, i surrender to You
on my knees i fall before You o Lord, face down
in my submission to You o Lord, i break down

Father, see the tears on the floor
how i have made it wet
with the waters that pours
from my face now all wet

o Lord o God, why the silence
have You forsaken me
in these times of pestilence
will all alone You leave me

speak Lord please, for Your servant listens
kneeling before You in fears and tears

o Lord, in Jesus' name i beg

amen


--------------------------------------------------------

i had it. the unbearable pain. the dark night of the soul. it's out with the tears i've cried. my eyes are ugly swollen. yet, the sadness remains, unexplained. i'll bear the shame.

the above came to me as i cried. i have a feeling i came across some of those lines somewhere. i may have plagiarized. it's unintentional and i'm sorry. please let me know if those lines are yours, and i thank you for the beautiful expressive writing.

i, i...

please, no more, h...

Rowan Williams

I finally get around to reading this post by a very dear brother. I recommend reading it to you all out there. I'm looking forward to reading more of it soon, now back to academia demands...

fuah...

Didn't sleep for a whole night, spent 5 hours plus to scan 200 plus of pages. I have no idea i can be so industrious o_O

Thanks to the hours spent at PERKOBP doing sealing and packaging, it really did train my patience and perseverance in doing mechanical robotic jobs (all those senseless repetitive motions, no wonder factory workers at production line really like staring at the clock, eagerly waiting for an off time...)

Mom dad, thanks for the new HP Deskjet F4185 All-in-one printer! ^_^
(not that there's much choice, the old canon printer is really dying :P)

social loafing

I'm presently (and temporarily) a social loafer for my group class assignments. Please kick me hard help me move, and please do it out of love as a friend, not out of contempt neither simply for the sake of the assignments! The least you can do is pray for me and let me know that you are. Thank you dear ones.

The Wounds Of A Friend

February 11, 2008

ODB RADIO: Listen Now | Download

READ: 2 Samuel 12:1-13

Faithful are the wounds of a friend. —Proverbs 27:6

About this cover

Not everyone appreciates correction, but David did. He felt indebted to those who corrected him and realized how much he owed them. “Let the righteous strike me; it shall be a kindness. Let him rebuke me; it shall be as excellent oil; let my head not refuse it” (Ps. 141:5).

Correction is a kindness, David insists, a word that suggests an act of loyalty. Loyal friends will correct one another, even when it’s painful and disruptive to relationships to do so. It’s one of the ways we show love and help one another to grow stronger. As Proverbs 27:6 states: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.”

It takes grace to give godly correction; it takes greater grace to receive it. Unlike David, who accepted Nathan’s correction (2 Sam. 12:13), we’re inclined to refuse it. We resent the interference; we do not want to be found out. But if we accept the reproof, we will find that it does indeed become “excellent oil” on our heads, an anointing that makes our lives a sweet aroma wherever we go.

Growth in grace sometimes comes through the kind but unpleasant correction of a loyal friend. Do not refuse it, for “he who receives correction is prudent” (Prov. 15:5) and “wise” (9:8-9). —David H. Roper

When others give us compliments,
They are so easy to believe;
And though it’s wise to take rebukes,
We find them harder to receive. —Sper

Correction from a loyal friend can help us change for the better.

blahblahblah

woke up at 10:30 am, cleaned up workdesk till 2pm (imagine the dust and trash gathered throughout the year). went for a feast as a self reward. then worked a bit on assignment. thereafter have been stuck sucking my thumbs and biting my lips (not so literally) trying to re-install windows xp onto my computer. i do not want to reformat my entire hard disk and i bloody hell insist on having the partition my way, but apparently microsoft has another say about where their os ought to be put. i'm still trying! argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christ, Be Our Light

A friend blogged this, i follow suit.



1. Longing for light, we wait in darkness.
Longing for truth, we turn to you.
Make us your own, your holy people,
light for the world to see.

Refrain:
Christ, be our light! Shine in our hearts.
Shine through the darkness.
Christ, be our light!
Shine in your church gathered today.

2. Longing for peace, our world is troubled.
Longing for hope, many despair.
Your word alone has power to save us.
Make us your living voice.

3. Longing for food, many are hungry.
Longing for water, many still thirst.
Make us your bread, broken for others,
shared until all are fed.

4. Longing for shelter, many are homeless.
Longing for warmth, many are cold.
Make us your building, sheltering others,
walls made of living stone.

5. Many the gifts, many the people,
many the hearts that yearn to belong.
Let us be servants to one another,
making your kingdom come

follow the Light

feel like saying

Robbie passed away last night, there was not much for the funeral. His five teens and wife 'recycled the protein'. He's been a good father and husband, he probably wished for it as well. I just cleaned their cage, albeit they did a good job recycling (leaving only the furry leather behind, which i had to throw away), there's an unpleasant smell of carcass.

My new semester started. I'm excited as i'm running full throttle. But just as much another part of me is really breaking down to pieces, with me rushing to put the pieces back more often than not. Leaving me little time to do other matters.

I'm finding it difficult to post blogs as it is. Hence, i'm starting to write entries offline and posting it online whenever i can. Which results in some entries popping here and there, since i'm keeping the posting date as the date i wrote the entry, not the date it's posted online.

I actually got mad at someone over the phone and hung up on him. Sometimes i do snap. Please watch out and just give me a smile if i snap at you. I will come to my senses and apologize (if i'm wrong). Else, do confront me, i don't want to lose any of you.

I wanted to enter the 'Inkscape - About Screen Contest' but did not manage the time. The sickness during the holiday really had me, it costed me 10 days in full measure. Which means there was quite a list of other things i could not manage during the holiday. Of which, i'm presently rushing to catch up as well.

Finally met up with a friend's friend. We drove off to Putrajaya botanical park last thursday, both drenched ourselves under the rain, deliberately, and it seemed we both enjoyed the occasion. It was a very nice long walk under the rain, very de-stressing, had not had it for a very very long time. I look forward to spending more time with him.

And the thought of taking an oath for priesthood is crossing my mind rather often for the past months... should i? I'd like to discuss this with someone, but who should it be?

Unto This Last

I've been reading 'Unto This Last' by John Ruskin. It's a very interesting book on the ideas of wealth. It's after reading this book that Gandhi was prompted to launch the Phoenix Settlement back in his days.

Look at a paragraph below from Essay IV of the book:
[I've added the bolding and underlining, hoping it will help you understand the paragraph]

The real science of political economy, which has yet to be distinguished from the bastard science, as medicine from witchcraft, and astronomy from astrology, is that which teaches nations to desire and labour for the things that lead to life: and which teaches them to scorn and destroy the things that lead to destruction. And if, in a state of infancy, they supposed indifferent things, such as excrescences of shell-fish, and pieces of blue and red stone, to be valuable, and spent large measures of the labour which ought to be employed for the extension and ennobling of life, in diving or digging for them, and cutting them into various shapes,or if, in the same state of infancy, they imagine precious and beneficent things, such as air, light, and cleanliness, to be valueless,-or if, finally, they imagine the conditions of their own existence, by which alone they can truly possess or use anything, such, for instance, as peace, trust, and love, to be prudently exchangeable, when the markets offer, for gold, iron, or excresrences of shells — the great and only science of Political Economy teaches them, in all these cases, what is vanity, and what substance; and how the service of Death, the lord of Waste, and of eternal emptiness, differs from the service of Wisdom, the lady of Saving, and of eternal fulness; she who has said, “I will cause those that love me to inherit SUBSTANCE; and I will FILL their treasures.”

What do you think?

I know it may take quite some time to digest. But do give it the thoughts necessary. You may then just see things in a whole different perspective.

Here's a link to download the full e-book*:
http://www.forget-me.net/Ruskin/

*there's quite a few spelling errors in the book, but nothing beyond bearing.

--------

Update on 20070115, another quote:

THERE IS NO WEALTH BUT LIFE. Life, including all its powers of love, of joy, and of admiration. That country is the richest which nourishes the greatest number of noble and happy human beings; that man is richest who, having perfected the functions of his own life to the utmost, has also the widest helpful influence, both personal, and by means of his possessions, over the lives of others.

Annie Lenox - Dark Road

i get teary when i saw this music video...



From Album - Songs of Mass Destruction
Dark Road Lyrics by Annie Lennox

IT'S A DARK ROAD
AND A DARK WAY THAT LEADS TO MY HOUSE
AND THE WORD SAYSYOU'RE NEVER GONNA FIND ME THERE, OH NO
I'VE GOT AN OPEN DOOR
IT DIDN'T GET THERE BY ITSELF
IT DIDN'T GET THERE BY ITSELF...

THERE'S A FEELIN'
BUT YOU'RE NOT FEELIN' IT AT ALL
THERE'S A MEANING
BUT YOU'RE NOT LISTENING ANYMORE
I LOOK AT THAT OPEN ROAD
I'M GONNA WALK THERE BY MYSELF...

UUUHHH...

AND IF YOU CATCH ME I MIGHT TRY TO RUN AWAY
YOU KNOW I CAN'T BE HERE TOO LONG
AND IF YOU LET ME I MIGHT TRY TO MAKE YOU STAY
SEEMS YOU NEVER REALISE A GOOD THING TILL IT'S GONE...

OOHH...
UUUHHH...
UUUHHH....

MAYBE I'M STILL SEARCHIN' BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS

ALL THE FIRES OF DESTRUCTION ARE STILL BURNIN' IN MY DREAMS
THERE'S NO WATER THAT CAN WASH AWAY THIS LONGIN' TO COME CLEAN...

HEY YEAH YEAH...
OOHH...
UUUHHH...
UUUHHH...

I CAN'T FIND THE JOY WITHIN IN MY SOUL
IT'S JUST SADNESS TAKIN' HOLD
I WANNA COME IN FROM THE COLD
AND MAKE MYSELF RENEWED AGAIN (I WANNA GO LIVIN ?? I WANNA COME RENEWED??) ????
IT TAKES STRENGTH TO LIVE THIS WAY (OOHH)
THE SAME OLD MADNESS EVERYDAY (NOOO)
I WANNA KICK THESE BLUES AWAY (KICK AWAY NOW)
I WANNA LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN

HEY HEY HEY
HEY HEY HEY

IT'S A DARK ROAD
AND A DARK WAY THAT LEADS TO MY HOUSE
AND THE WORD SAYS
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FIND ME THERE OH NO
I'VE GOT AN OPEN DOOR
IT DIDN'T GET THERE BY ITSELF ..OOH
IT DIDN'T GET THERE BY ITSELF

exam results

after 4 times of retaking, i passed...